Wounds to Bind
by ZivaDavid-LesNinja-FemmeLove
Summary: Never in a million years did Ziva David think she would meet someone so troubled as her, someone who understood more intimately than anyone else on the planet; until that day, the day she met Penelope Garcia. Crossover Shipping! WARNING: This story contains sex, violence, language, self harm and eating disorders. Don't like, don't read. Reviews are much loved!
1. Chapter 1

**Wounds to Bind**

A NCIS/Criminal Minds Crossover

By Sammy Richardson

Summary: Never in a million year did Ziva think she would meet someone so troubled as her, someone who understood more intimately than anyone else on the planet; until that day, the day she met Penelope.

Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort

Rating: M (For mention of sexual explicitness, violence, language, and mental disorders and other issues)

Characters: Ziva David/Penelope Garcia (Other Team Members for both shows mentioned)

Author's Note: I would like to give special thanks to a dear friend and role playing partner, Piper (Detective-NaughtyVanilla-P.T.S), who helped assist in the creating of Penelope's side of this story. Without her, I fear that this would not have been possible. Also, I want to point out that this is completely alternate universe, obviously, and yes, I am shipping Ziva and Garcia. I do not care. I find them adorable, so there. Also there will be mentions of Jemily (JJ/Emily), Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Tony DiNozzo/Paula Cassidy, and other ships later down the line, but the primary focus is Zarcia and their bonding through their struggles and finding love within each other. For those who are reading this, I would love to thank each and every one of you. Much love to you all!

**Chapter One**

Never in a million years did I think I would meet someone so troubled as me, someone who understood more intimately than anyone else on the planet…until that day; the day I met you. However, I have learned that you can bandage the damage, but you never really can fix a heart. Once it's been broken, that is no reassembling it to sheer perfection but one can mend it just enough to where it functions well enough to be perfection to someone else, in someone else's eyes.

But, perhaps I am getting too ahead of myself. I shut myself away, completely withdrew from everyone, not wanting to seem so vulnerable. I wanted people to think that I was strong again, or that I never lost said strength and that I did by gaining back control which had been siphoned from me for almost four months.

For the entire time I was in the hospital; I refused to eat, and while the doctors assured it was normal, that after everything my appetite would take time to return, obviously my older team had concerns. On my last day of my stay, I was wearing a pair of loose cargos and a beyond large black t-shirt. I tugged a brown belt through the loops on the green fabric of my pants with shaky hands. I noticed Tony standing in the doorway of my room. He, like the others, was protesting me leaving that I had to get out of there, even though I had nowhere else to go.

"Ziva, are you sure you really want to leave… right now?" Tony asked, hoping that by some miracle he could change my mind; that his words would mean more than just syllables flowing from his lips, standing in the doorway.

He held a file behind his back. A simple plan B of sorts, if I did in fact choose to rush out of there without considering what he had just said. I nod, looking to Tony with a solemn expression.

"Tony, I need to get out of here. If I stay in this hospital any longer, I will go insane." I say, my voice sounding weak and tired, which was the same portrayal as my frail frame. "I am sorry."

I sling my bag onto my shoulder. I felt his worried emerald eyes scanning me up and down as if to wonder just how small I had become. I saw him step towards my bag but I jerk it away.

"I have got it." I insist, my voice tired and cracking, though it was still harsh.

"Take this then, please just look it over and give it some thought. I understand if you don't want to come back. I think this may be something you will be interested in. A friend of mine just quit, her spot is open and I-I…just look it over, for me." Tony says, handing me the file before leaving the room.

His heart broke into pieces with every step he took towards the exit. I take it and put it in my bag, placing a soft kiss on Tony's cheek after I rush up to him.

"Thank you, and thank you for staying with me here in the hospital. Do not worry. I am not going to vanish. I promise. I will still be around; just…I will need some time. Do not be too sad, okay? And…be safe."

I then allow myself to hug Tony, feeling his arms around me before I walk out of the hospital and never look back. I begin to walk down the street, going into the downtown area, walking down the sidewalk where on one side was a not so busy street and the other were stores and apartment buildings. I did not notice the old style car slowing down as it followed me. Gibbs meanwhile, approached Tony.

"Well? Where is she?" He asked. "Is she doing better than we fear?"

"I honestly don't know, what I do know is that if she has anything left of her old self, Ziva will take the job. She will eventually be okay." Tony replied before walking away from Gibbs, wishing to be alone to deal.

Penelope began to slow her car almost to a complete stop as she noticed my form walking along the sidewalk. She seemed unable to keep her eyes from watering at the sight of me. Gently rolling down her window, she pulled up beside me.

"Excuse me, sweetheart. Would you like a ride?" She asked, digging into her purse for her credentials; hoping that if she showed them to me, I would not think of her as a threat and take her up on her offer. She held up her F.B.I badge and smiled.

"I work with the B.A.U. I promise I'm not a creeper… I'll take you anywhere you want to go." She smiled, now parking her car next to me.

I look at her, a soft expression on my face for I could not help it, she was so soft.

"I… you are sweet but… I no longer know where it is I wish to go." I admit, clutching onto the strap of my bag. "Besides, I do not wish to trouble you. I have troubled so many people already, really… I will be fine."

With a fake smile, I attempt to walk away, my legs not carrying me as fast as I would like them to. It was so cold. I hated it in South-Eastern US sometimes. Though, she was persistent in her actions, still following me.

"Please, if you do not have a place in mind, let me take you somewhere. It isn't any trouble, I can assure you. I don't want to leave you out here all alone with no place to go. Would you feel safe coming with me?" She asked, still following me slowly.

Cars honked at her before speeding by, though she did not seemed to mind their actions as she was completely focused on me. I stop and then take a couple steps towards the vehicle.

"You are so sweet." I murmur, my voice low, before taking hold of the car door handle.

I slowly open the door and get in warily. I shut the door, ready to bolt with a second if I needed to. Buckling my seatbelt, I keep careful eyes on Penelope.

"Thank you. Where will we be going?" I ask, having nowhere to go.

"I was headed home from my volunteer work, would that be alright with you? If you want you can use my cellphone to let someone know you are with me." She smiled, glancing over to me as she began to drive towards her apartment, wanting to feel safe, possibly even comfortable.

She reached into her purse and pulled out a light pink, sparkled cellphone. Handing it to me, she had not waited for an answer.

"I'm not going to hurt you doll, I just want you to have some place to stay. I honestly don't know what I would have done if you wouldn't have come with me." She admitted to me, worry seeping through her tone.

I look to the phone and then to the blonde in unique glasses.

"I have no one I need to call. And that is okay…going to your place." I say, sitting there and feeling small within the word though I was so miserable.

The medicine for my pain was starting to kick in, making me feel this way, terribly tired and incredibly miserable.

"Thank you." I say in a tone just a bit louder than a whisper. "You are so kind to worry so much for me."

"That's me, P.G., the worry wart." She giggled, finally pulling into her little parking space.

She gets out of her car and walks over to my door, opening it and taking my bag in her hand.

"Don't you dare protest; you can save your pride for later! Right now, I am taking your bag upstairs." She says with a bright smile, clutching my bag tightly as she lead me up the stoop and the three flights of stairs to her apartment. Unlocking the door, the eccentric woman escorted me inside and placed my bag near the coffee table. Unsure of where I would like to sleep or what exactly I would want to do once inside, Penelope locked the door after I had entered. She then turned to me and smiled.

"You look tired, Sugar. Would you like to sleep for a while/" She asked me, gesturing towards her bedroom.

I shook my head, going over to the couch and sitting down slowly.

"If it is alright I would like to just sit down for a while. I am sure that is all I really need, is just to sit and rest." I say, slowly pulling my legs up so that I could clutch them to my chest.

I cringe a bit at the pain, still rather sore. I had only been out of Somalia for a week. The doctors wanted to keep me for at least another week and three days, though I left against medical advice. I could no longer stand the confinement of it all. It drove me nuts. I look to you, feigning a smile before laying back my head so that I stared up at the ceiling. Groaning again when I find myself in a not so painful position. I shift and then the pain lessens, though no amount of drugs could rid me of this pain.

"Would you like to be alone, or would you like for me to sit with you?" She asked me, truly wanting me to feel comfortable.

Penelope kicked off her shoes and placed her car keys in her purse before putting it into her bedroom. The friendly stranger leaned against the doorway and awaited my reply before doing anything else. I then maneuver so that I can look at her, smiling softly. I rarely ever wanted to smile anymore. She, for some odd reason, made me want to smile.

"You may sit with me." I murmur in a tiny voice, allowing her to sit down before I curled up into her.

A few moments of silence passed between us before I spoke again.

"I am sorry." I mumble as I nuzzle into Penelope, feeling terrible for her having to have me in her home though she did not know me. "Have I told you my name?" I asked, shutting my eyes as I speak.

"Mm-hmm, there is no need for you to be sorry. I don't think so, I'm Penelope. Everyone calls me Penny or Garcia." She smiled, allowing me to curl into her as I wish.

She kept her hands on the couch, not daring to wrap her arms around me, fearing that I would find it to be discomforting.

"That is a beautiful name, Penelope. My name is Ziva." I say in a soft, sleepy voice.

Before I could say my last name, despite all of my fighting against it, I slip into a deep and much needed sleep. With a smile, Penelope gently covered me up with the blanket that covered the top of her couch. It is not until several hours later that I wake up, groaning a bit as I stir. I hear Penelope let out a slight yawn just as I am doing so.

"Did you get some good sleep?" She asked me, smiling softly.

"Mm, somewhat." I murmur honestly, pushing myself up off of Penelope. "I am sorry I fell asleep." I apologize, rubbing my eyes before looking around a bit.

I then fish through my bag, sighing as I pull out my hoodie. Pulling it on, I look back to Penelope and allow only a small smile to come to my face.

"You needed sleep, don't be sorry." She replied, adjusting her position on the couch.

I nodded slightly in response to her words.

"Are you hungry Sugar? I could make you something or-or we could order take out." She asked; curious as to if I had eaten anything all day or if I were even able to eat at all.

I shook my head for a moment.

"It is okay. I am not hungry." I reply as I sit back down, clutching my knees to my chest. "It is these medicines they have me on… they literally wipe away my appetite." I explain, and while it was only somewhat true, I was still lying.

I felt bad for that. After everything she had already done for me, there I was… lying.

"Feel free to have some for yourself, though. Do not let me stop you." I encourage with a smile.

I sat there, waiting for her to do something, anything.

"Oh no, hun. I'm fine. I just thought you might be a little hungry." She said as she smiled, tilting her head to the side as she began to think that I was feeling a little upset.

I did the same thing, tilting my head so that our eyes met up with each other before allowing my head to straighten up.

"No, I am not." I reply with a smile.

I stood up and pulled up my pants a bit, before wandering over the window. I look outside at the city around us as the sun starts to fall behind the horizon. I sigh contently, the beauty of it all rather mesmerizing, and then turn around, allowing my eyes to scan over the apartment's interior, analyzing the décor, taking it all in and finding myself enjoying the beauty of it as well.

"Mm, well, I am kind of beat and I have work at seven tomorrow morning. So, I think I am going to head to bed." She said to me softly, getting up and grabbing some pillows and extra blankets for me before placing them on the couch. "The bathroom has fresh towels and there is some food in the kitchen, make yourself at home, alright?" She added, waiting for my reply before she moved even an inch.

I nodded softly. Walking up to the intelligent and eccentric blonde, I hug her, unable to keep myself from doing so.

"Thank you, so much for all of your help. It means so much." I murmur before pulling away.

"You're welcome, sweetheart. It really isn't a bother at all. I do hope you choose to stay, it's nice to have the company." She said with a smile, after returning my hug.

I noticed the slight pink flush come to Penelope's cheeks as she said this and she disappeared into her bedroom. If only I had known what she had been doing behind that closed door. She shut the door and took a seat on her bed, looking over to the photo on the nightstand, something that Garcia had become accustomed to doing every single night; it was a photo of her parents. She had taken it a few days before the crash, a single sear sliding down her cheek. Wiping it away quickly, she then opened the drawer to her nightstand and pulled out her little kit of tools. They were the tools in which she used to hurt herself. Opening it up and taking out the small blade from a razor, she readied herself to do her dirty deed. Before rolling up her sleeve, she set aside said blade and the kit. She took several moments to look at her scars and the healing cuts from days before. Then, picking the blade up once again, she placed it to her own skin and applied pressure, dragging it a few inches across her arm. Penelope could only wince in pain before allowing an all too scarily familiar euphoria to take over. Reaching over, Penelope grabbed a tissue from the colorful box by her alarm clock. Dabbing at the wound, she watched as it gradually clotted. Putting the razor back into its place in her kit, she rolled down her sleeve with cautious precision before putting the kit back in the drawer. After disposing of the bloody tissue, she laid down on the bed as she clutched her arm at the sight of the throbbing cut. Her eyes were seemingly glued to the picture before her, the picture in which haunted her, along with the guilt of their death.

"I miss you." She said under her breath before slipping into a deep sleep.

Meanwhile, I sat down on the couch, clutching my knees as I looked around the room. It was starting to become swallowed in darkness. This is what I feared. At the hospital, I was never surrounded by total darkness. The last time I was in complete darkness like that was in Somalia. I steadied my breathing and remained sitting there, barely blinking as it devours me and the city of Quantico. My eyes drifted onto the kitchen, the clock on the stove. It read 11:00. How long had I been awake? I could not remember…did I even want to know? It was not until 5:00 the next morning, when the darkness lessens, being supplemented by dawn breaking. I yawned and I feel my stomach churn, growl and gurgle as it begs to be fed. Though, I do my best to ignore it, suppress it all as I had my emotions towards the last four months. I listened as I heard movement in Penelope's room. She emerged from her bedroom, smiling and dressed for work.

"Good morning, Sunshine! Will you be coming with me?" She asked, tugging both of her sleeves down before walking any closer to me.

She had used her little kit of hidden dark secrets again this morning after showering, which caused this sudden happy feeling to wash over her. I could only shrug.

"Would that be alright?" I ask as I shrug.

I watched as the blonde woman nodded, her curly hair perfectly framing her face and her eyes looking happy and exuberant behind her uniquely framed glasses.

"I was hoping to have some company in my lair whilst working, though you can stay here if you want." She replied, hugging me slightly before taking a seat on the couch next to me so that she could put on her heels.

I tilted my head as I watched her. What was her lair? Now the FBI seemed a bit odder than it did before.

"Mm, I would like to join you, yes." I say, my voice only seeming half there, weighed down by lack of sleep and an overload of locked away emotion. "I have not been inside the FBI before, however FBI used to work cases with us."

I was still used to NCIS being an "us" to me. Who was I kidding? Even if I wanted to go back to NCIS, I doubt I would get accepted. Besides, I do not want this. They saw me at my worst, beaten, bruised, damaged… I could not bear to be around them, day after day, knowing what had happened to me. They did not even know the half of it. Penelope smiled to my brightly in response to my words.

"Well then Sugar, you are going to love it. Especially Emily, she is just the sweetest! Oh! And Derek! He would just be all over you!"

I could help but to blush at her words.

"Shall we get going?" She asked, now standing a few inches taller than me due to the heels she was wearing.

I nodded, smiling to me.

"Yes, we shall."

When we walk into the B.A.U., I feel as though I am much more shy and timid than I truly am. I know no one and I feel as though I in some place that I am not allowed, per say. I become nervous when I see a well-built African American man approach us.

"Hey there, hot stuff." Penelope smiled, hugging Derek for a moment before turning to me.

"And who is this, baby girl?" Derek asked, obviously intrigued by my presence.

"This, my chocolate stud, is Ziva. She's my new friend and will be hanging out while I work my magic." The B.A.U. team member replied, smiling as she took my hand and lead me past him.

"Have fun ladies." Derek smirked as he watches us walk away.

"Who was that?" I asked quietly, looking around a bit at the room I am in.

"Oh, that's Derek Morgan. He's on my team, harmless teddy bear." Penelope relied, giggling as we reach her office. "Well, unless you are an UNSUB… then, be afraid, be very afraid." She added, still giggling as she takes a seat at her desk.

She then picked up her phone and called to have another chair brought into her office.

"Mmhmm, until your chair gets here. You can pick a spot anywhere you like." She said to me with a smile.

I perched myself on a free spot on her desk, looking to her. For several moments I am silent, not sure of what to do, or say. Penelope got a call from one Agent Aaron Hotchner and began to run a few searches on her computer system, smiling as she looked over to me.

"So, this is what I do. It's really boring. I feel kind of bad for asking you to come in with me…" She admitted, thinking that I would have had a better time doing something at her apartment, rather than sit and watch her hurt for an IP address of a child's kidnapper.

I shook my head. "Please, do not. I am touched that you invited me. I mean, you barely know me." I say, a nervous chuckle seeping from my lips.

"I would like to get to know you." She said with a smile, sending the search results to the team before opening her Tetris tournament and proceeding to move up another level. "I love this game." She giggled, turning to look at me now.

I smile, loving how joyful she seemed. It was as if the game brought on some sort of whimsy.

"I see this." I said in a gentle tone, keeping soft eyes on her as she played her game.

"So, this is going to sound a little strange but… would you like to go see a movie tonight after I get off work?" She asked, smiling after turning the game off.

I could only make a slight face at her offer, not sure of this. It was not as if I would not enjoy it, I just did not feel like being in the public eye right now, nor did I feel like being encased in the darkness theatres possess.

"I do not really know, Penelope." I say honestly, standing to my feet as my tone reins apprehensive. "I just… it has been a long time and I do not know… if I feel up to it."

I frown slightly as I speak.

"I am sorry."

"It's alright…" She smiled, a little saddened by this though she did not show it. "Maybe another time, then?"

I nod in response to her kind offer.

"Is there anything you would like to do, maybe grab some coffee then?" She asked, curious as to if I like coffee.

A soft smile same to my face, and I nod.

"I like coffee." I murmur softly, staying in my little spot.

I bite my bottom lip, feeling as though somehow I disappointed her by saying no to the movie. I gnaw on it a bit longer, a terribly guilty feeling washing over me.

"We can go for coffee."

My heart thudded within my chest solemnly, hurting a bit. Why did I not just say yes?

"Well, after work would you like to get some?" Penelope asked in a sweet voice, smiling brightly at me.

She flipped through a few things on her computer as she awaited an answer. I nod with a small grin.

"Yes, that would be nice." I said; my voice soft yet still merging with that hint of solemnness.

Little did I know was that this coffee date would be a pivotal moment for me, for the both of us. We would learn a little bit about each other, and quite possibly ourselves.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wounds to Bind**

**Chapter Two **

That day seemed to whir by flawlessly, rapidly and it was not long until Penelope and I found ourselves sitting in a coffee shop downtown. The smells of the baked goods and coffees and teas filled my nose, my olfactory membranes overloaded by aromas. I wrap my hands around my cup of coffee as I sit across from the technical analyst, it warming my cold fingers. I look to her, my eyes connecting hers.

"Thank you." I murmur graciously. "For everything."

"Really, Sugar, you don't need to keep thanking me for everything. I am more than happy to have your company." Penelope replied dismissively, smiling as she took a sip of her coffee, loving the aroma and taste of the mocha within the cup.

I could smell it too, the sweet and all too alluring goodness which was brewed and served to her. I had regular black coffee. It reminded me of Gibbs. We remained silent for several moments and I sigh solemnly, thinking of the old team, and how close we all were, how apart we are now. Things would never be the same for us, and I knew that. I grew to accept it. I snap out of my head space upon hearing Garcia's voice ringing pleasantly through my ears.

"Ziva?" Penelope asked, noticing how I seemed to be out of my own headspace.

"Huh? Yeah?"

"I would love it if you would continue to stay with me, though I will understand completely if you want to find somewhere else." She told me.

I watched as her vibrant red lips moved with each word she spoke, and she seemed so caring of me, as if I were a puppy she had gotten attached to. And it touched me, it really had. To be cared for like that was such a rarity and quite honestly, I wanted to allow myself to get used to it. But, could I? Really? At the time, there was no way I could have heard this but as she spoke, Penelope's sweet and caring heart beat rapidly within her chest as she waited for a reply or reaction from me. She truly did not wish to be alone anymore, though the thought that she was keeping me from moving on to something better had occurred as she remained sitting in silence, just looking into my eyes. I smiled softly, reaching over to take her hand. I soothe the skin of the back of her hand with my thumb.

"Well, Penelope, I do not have other places I can go, and even if I did I am sure that they are not as good as you are." I reply softly, soothingly before returning to my plain coffee.

My stomach makes a gurgling sound, not too terribly loud but not entirely quiet either. It was as if it could feel the coffee within itself and knew it was just not enough, at least for it. I inhale deeply, smelling it all again… knowing all too well that that was as close as it would get to anything. Was it terrible that I was proud of that, the control that I found within that act of denying myself something? Shrugging the thought away, I focus on my words.

"And I know I do not need to but what I just want to, because I think you are so amazing and perfect and sweet for helping me so much?" I reply almost challengingly before sipping more coffee, well more chugging it but doing so discretely.

I watched as Penelope smiled.

"I am in no way near amazing or perfect, though I will take sweet as a compliment." She responded, giggling a little.

I smile a bit, setting down my half empty coffee cup and nibble on my bottom lip.

"Aw, well, to me you are all three… and then some." I reply honestly, sitting back in my seat gently.

Allowing my body to rest in the chair, I keep my eyes on her.

"So, tell me, you said you'd like to know more about me… what would you like to know?" I ask, almost nervous about it.

Would I regret asking this question? Penelope giggled again and took a sip of her coffee before setting it down.

"Well, honestly, I want to know everything. Every last detail…" She replied, smiling brightly as she made herself comfortable within her chair.

I swallow hard, becoming apprehensive, only slightly. I then do what I have been trained to do best. I hide my true feelings behind a mask of lies and deceit, making myself seem as though I am bit happier than I was about this. I hum thoughtfully, my brows furrowed intensely.

"Mm, okay." I said before sitting up to the table, kneeling on my elbows. "Well, my mother's name was Rivka and she was married to my father, Eli David, until I was about thirteen. I was born in Be'er Sheva, Israel. However, I was raised in Tel Aviv, living with my parents, older half-brother and younger full sister. Their names were Ari and Tali."

I take notice of the confused look which gradually formed on Garcia's face. I had a feeling I knew why the older woman was confused, though I waited to allow her to question it.

"Yes?"

Penelope turned my words around in her head for several moments before finally speaking her mind.

"Was and were? May I ask what happened?" She questioned, though she was inwardly kicking herself for doing so.

She felt as though I had been through enough and it was wrong of her to ask about such things, not wishing to drag out memories from me as she felt she would not like the memories she has to talk about either.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I mean, it's alright if you don't want to talk about it." She qualified, hoping that I was not insulted by my onset of questions.

I looked down to my lap for only a moment before looking back up to her. I wanted to be honest with her, and answer her questions. I knew that there would be questions and for some reason, unbenounced to me, I was willing to answer them. I just wanted to try and be honest and yet at the same time, I would be somewhat lying to her still.

"You see, Israel is not the most… peaceful… of countries, and um, when I was thirteen my mother was killed by a Hezbollah missile strike." I explain, only starting the story. "Then, when my sister was sixteen, she had just started working for Mossad when she was killed by a suicide bomber."

A pathetically solemn laugh escaped my mouth, as the memories of my brother flashed through my mind.

"My brother… he… he was murdered by a terrible person." I said, not letting in on the fact it was me.

I still blamed myself to this day for everything that had happened, especially his death. I watched as she sat there, attempting not to be shocked by the information I had just given her, though I saw right through it. She took a sip of coffee before allowing her eyes to meet my own once more.

"I'm sorry, Ziva." Penelope said in a hushed voice before getting up from her seat and hugging my tightly, feeling that it was important for her to do so.

I hugged her back, pulling back from the hug before wiping away a single tear. I continue telling you my story, leaving out a crucial part, the part that led me to you, the last part of my story. When I stopped speaking, I looked at Penelope and could not help but to wonder what the intelligible woman was thinking. There were too many emotions on her face to read all at once. It was indecipherable. After several seconds of slightly awkward silence, she spoke.

"You have a past, every saint does…" She says with a slight smile, taking another sip of her coffee before standing up and tossing the cup away. "Shall we continue talking at home?"

She seemed curious as to if I was ready to leave. What I did not know was that personally, Garcia did not wish to tell me about herself in a public setting if it were to come to that.

"You are such a strong person, Ziva. I am glad you were able to be so… open with me." She added, taking a seat as she waited to see what I wished to do.

I breathe a laugh, as if to not believe her words. After the past few months I have not felt so strong, though I did not say that.

"I would like it if we could go, yes." I say, slowly standing up, not acknowledging her last remark.

"Alright then, gorgeous, let's head out!" She said, sounding as though she were trying to cheer me up.

I could tell of this just by the tone of her voice, and the way she was carrying herself in that moment. I watched her stand and fish her car keys out of her rather large and uniquely decorated purse. It worked, for the most part. I smiled slightly as I watched her closely, my brown eyes darting between her face to her moving hands. She waved her keys at me and I giggled.

"Sometimes, I find you to be quite…adorable." I admit.

"Well, thank you!" She exclaimed, poking my nose.

I crinkled it slightly in response, chuckling.

"Now that I got the keys to Esther, we may hit the road!"

I could only furrow my brows in confusion.

"Um… I am sorry, but Esther?" I ask, perplexed.

"Yeah. That's my car's name, sugar."

"You named your car?" I confirm, thinking Tony would be the only one to do something so silly, but somehow with her I found it oddly cute.

Penelope giggled, and nodded.

"Yes, now, come on, cutie, before we never leave." She replied, taking hold of my arm and escorting us out of the café.

We did not end up finishing the conversation. And soon time passed to where we seemed to have forgotten the conversation ever took place. However, I knew this just was not the case and to be perfectly honest I was glad that the issues covered did not get resurfaced. What I did not know at the time was that things for me, and for Penelope would gradually start taking a turn for the worse as our issues would start, oh so slowly, coming to light.


	3. Chapter 3

**Wounds to Bind**

**Chapter Three**

A few weeks had passed since I started staying with my savior, Penelope, and I staggered from the kitchen to the couch in the middle of the night, sitting down after retrieving some water. After sitting down, I remained in the one spot and stare blankly at mindless television, hating it so much inwardly. I just sip the cold, colorless, odorless fluid, hoping that by causing me to be colder than I already was, it would keep me awake. My nightmares were becoming much more vivid and I was not myself any longer. Saleem had, in all honesty, taken my identity along with him when he died. I knew that all too well. When I see Penelope, I become worried. Thinking I had woken you up with my fetching of ice water, I still there silently, somewhat holding my breath before I speak.

"Did I wake you?" I asked her with a concerned look on my thinning face.

"Mm-mmm, not at all. I kind of had a bad dream." She admitted as she walked into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee before returning to the living room. She took a large gulp of the hot liquid, hating the truth of it all. I had not known it, but her dreams were in fact quite bad. She looked over to me, a sense of familiarity washing over her.

"Is that why you are awake too?" She asked, curious as to if my dreams were truly nightmares like hers.

Thankfully, Garcia didn't know the half of it. Every time I tried to sleep, it was like getting beaten by him yet again. I watch with a close eye as she sets down her coffee mug. She mindlessly began to rub the sleeve of her arm, causing pain to course through the wounds and throughout her entire body, a torture that had become more tolerable and almost enjoyable. I shook my head.

"More like avoidance, for me anyway. I am sorry you are having bad dreams, Pen." I murmur before spontaneously placing a gentle kiss on her cheek. 'I do hope that they are not too terrible.

Afterwards, I sit back into the couch, trying to disguise the fact that even my bones felt like they were starting to hurt. I blamed it on improperly set and poorly healing breaks in my bones, but I knew that was not the whole story. The lack of calcium was making them weaker as well. I knew this, deep in my mind. I was smart enough to know I was not taking care of myself. Sighing, I rest my head back on the couch, looking at Penelope. She sighed too, knowing very well that we had not touched the subject of her past at all. The part of it that seemingly haunted her every day, at least.

"I am sure that compared to what others dream of, mine aren't that bad." She replied, glancing over at me for a moment before looking down at her hands.

Her cheeks flushed pink as she savored the feeling of my lips pressed against one of them. It was then when she brought it up, and it was a subject that made my chest tighten. Why did she have to bring it up? I knew she cared a lot for me, but why?

"Ziva. I am not one to judge or force things upon others… and I certainly won't do that with you but… I hope you know this by now, but I haven't seen you eat anything since you started staying here. I don't want to lose you due to malnutrition. Please, I beg of you… attempt to eat something soon." She said softly, fearing that after she spoke I would just leave, and that I would hate her for mentioning it.

She sat there in silence after speaking, and waited for my reaction. Tears start to sting my eyes, hearing how much Penelope cared just from her voice.

"Pen, you care so much…" I say, sipping my water. "I have eaten. It was yesterday, when you were at work and I stayed home."

I hated lying to Penelope. The words left this rotting feeling in the pit my stomach; it was painful to do so.

"I will be okay. I promise." I assure her, patting her cheek.

But that was not true, not deep down. My body was not okay, and neither was my mind. Shivering, I sat down the water and hide under a thick blanket she had dug out for me.

"That water was freezing." I say, though I knew I would have been cold with or without it.

I huddle into the couch, looking at you with my brown eyes. I was stunned when Penelope began to cry upon hearing my words, they sounded so familiar, so emotionless, like her words to Derek had become. Unable to stop her tears from falling, she covered her face with her hands and continued to sob.

"You can't promise that…" She said though her voice was muffled.

A few moments later, she stood up and walked towards her bedroom. Going inside and shutting the door quickly, Penelope felt the urge, the need to use her kit again, to cut. Hating how sick she had become, and how helping she felt when it came to helping me, she took out the zippered bag and stared at if for a few moments before opening it and doing as she had just a few hours before. Feeling empty and alone, the sweet yet sorrowful Penelope curled up onto her bed and clutched her left arm. Crying softly, the disturbed woman lied there, motionless, and did not sleep.

Once she had left, I could not help but to break down. I sobbed; the sounds of my cries evident. Sobs racked my frame, curled into the couch.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I repeat this over and over again until my body feels utterly weak and I fall asleep. When I wake up, the sun is streaming into my face, a complete contradiction to how I was feeling. I felt as though I was in such a dark place… a place I feared I would never be able to get out of. I struggling untangle myself from the covers and sit up, tears starting to fall again. I go to the bathroom, splashing hot water onto my face but it does nothing. In fact, I start to sob again, turning into a simpering mess. I gripped onto the sink as I do so.

Meanwhile, Penelope emerged from her room, having not changed her shirt nor done anything to hide the fact of what she had done. Not expecting me to be in the bathroom, she walked inside and gasped when she saw me.

"Ziva, you frightened me!" She exclaimed, only then noticing the shape I was in.

Penelope could not help her actions upon laying her eyes on the sight before her, pulling me into her arms. She held me closely, running her fingers through my hair.

"I'm sorry, Ziva. I promise I was not upset because of you." She said softly, hoping that her words would somehow soothe me.

I leaned into her, nuzzling myself into her as I try not to cry any more than I already had.

"No, please… do not apologize. It is my fault. It always is." I mutter, the self-hatred I felt evident in my tone.

I then shake my head, pushing the feelings back inside and deep down into the dark depths of my despair, locking it all away in the hopes it would never resurface ever again.

"I am okay. Am I tagging along today?" I ask, hoping so because I was looking forward to getting out in the sun.

"Ziva, nothing is your fault." She insisted. "I hope you understand, when you came into my life you brought me so much joy."

I wanted so badly to believe her words, but it was hard to… when I caused her so much pain.

"Of course you can come with me." She said with a smile, wiping her own tears away. "I'm going to take a shower and then we can go, is that alright?" She asked, reaching out and caressing my cheek.

I leaned into her touch, nuzzling into her hand as if I were a cat and smiled before nodding.

"Yes, that is perfectly alright." I murmur gently. "I think I will just have a seat and rest a bit."

Penelope smiled, looking at me for another moment.

"I'm going to hug you again…" She said softly before pulling me into another tight hug, holding my closely for a few moments.

Could she feel my bones, through my hoodie? Would she be disgusted if she could? I swallowed hard as I remained in Penelope's arms. After her shower, the B.A.U. employee sighed when she noticed the temperature on the clock. She utterly despised that it would scorching hot today whilst having to war a sweater to hide the scars and cuts which marred her flesh. She grabbed her things for work and exited her bedroom. I smiled softly, blinking a bit at her.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked in a pleasant voice.

Penelope smiled back, nodding. She seemed solemn, though her face showed otherwise.

"Yeah, I am."

With that, I stood from the couch, perhaps a bit too quickly. My heart rate picked up suddenly and then slowed down just as suddenly. The room spun just a bit but I steadied myself just in time.

"Good!" I chime, trying to disguise the fact that I was seconds away from falling over.

Surprisingly, I did quite a good job at it, too. Penelope led me to her car and we drove to the B.A.U. Sitting in the passenger's seat as music filled the car, but not abrasively so, I look over to her and smile softly, watching as she drove. I take notice of her sweater.

"Are you not hot?" I ask, only somewhat curious, after pulling all of my hair to the side and over my right shoulder.

"Aren't you?" Garcia retorted, somewhat snapping at me in the process.

I narrowed my eyes at her, not saying anything after that. I simply turn my attention the view outside the windows of the moving vehicle.

"Ziva, I…"

"Save it." I reply before she could go any further. "Do not apologize to me."

A slightly hurt expression came to her face upon hearing my perhaps too harsh words. The rest of the car ride was silent, other than the music which played. Once arriving at the Bureau, Penelope made her way to the employee parking lot and pulled into her spot with ease. Turning off Esther, she pulled the keys out of the ignition. For many seconds we sat there in silence before we turned to either other at the same time and spoke, also at the same time.

"I'm sorry."

We chuckled, unable to keep from doing anything else.

"Ziva, I am so sorry for snapping at you." She apologized after the laughter subsided.

I could only shake my head, feeling as though I snapped worse than she did.

"No, please… I shouldn't have mentioned it, plus, I snapped back. Forgive me?" I ask in a pleading voice.

Penelope could only smile, her white teeth more noticeable with her bright pink lipstick and the noon sun shining across her face.

"Aw, Sug, it would be impossible for me not to forgive you." She said, leaning over and hugging me. "Now, will you forgive me?"

"Well, it only seems fair." I reply, smiling as I stroke her cheek.

She hummed contently and leaned into my touch, however brief it had been. And with that we exit the car and made our way into the B.A.U. I smile as we walk towards the building, feeling warmth engulf me though I do not seem to be warm enough. It was later that afternoon that things got bad.

I had walked into the B.A.U. squad room; helping Penelope deliver a file, schlepping so to speak. It, much unlike the NCIS squad room, was elaborate, with different levels to it and more agents. Though, with the aide of Penelope's directions, I was able to find where I needed to go. Seeing a woman with black hair and deep brown eyes and a vibrant smile, I knew I had found who Garcia wanted me too. I go up to Emily, a small smile coming to my pale and sunken in face.

"Hello! Emily, right?" I greet, sounding rather melancholy, but not unpleasantly so.

"Yes, you are?" Emily asked, having not seen me around the office before.

Her defenses were up when she looked me up and down, noticing I did not have an I.D., or badge… no credentials whatsoever.

"Do you work here?" She asked, taking the file from me as I extended it to her.

I shook my head.

"No. I am a friend of Penelope's. I wanted to help her and I decided to help her this way." I explain, smiling only slightly. Derek and JJ, finding themselves curious as to what the commotion was, approach and I feel a bit nervous. Will they notice me underneath all of my jackets? JJ smiles to me.

"Hey there! I'm Jennifer Jareau but everyone calls me JJ."

Shaking her hand, I nod.

"Ziva."

I then see Derek and smile a bit, having already met the man once before.

"This is Garcia's dirty little secret." Derek laughed, standing next to me.

"Ah, well, she should get you a badge if you're going to continue to help her." Emily teased with a smile. "We don't really get to interact with non-FBI personnel." She adds, extending her hand for me to shake.

"Will you ask baby girl if she's going to come out with us tonight?" Derek asked me, his voice suave and smooth.

In many ways, Derek had a way of reminding me of Tony. Perhaps he knew Tony? Shrugging inwardly, I dismiss the thoughts.

"Only if she brings you, of course." He added with a wink.

I giggled slightly and then that all too familiar flutter in my heart returned with a vengeance. But I push it aside and focus on the conversation.

"Alright. I will ask her." I reply, chuckling as I playfully poke him in the sternum. "You all have been rather lovely, though I must be heading back to Penelope… before she gets too worried about me."

Just as I say this, I turned around and within an instant I felt as though the earth was being yanked out from underneath me. I tried but I could not seem to steady myself and make myself seem okay before the inevitable happens. Everything goes black as I fall rapidly to the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

**Wounds to Bind**

**Chapter Four**

It was not until a few hours later in the Quantico Hospital's Intensive Care Unit that I awoke from my state of unconscious. When I did, I felt as though I was in a daze, everything foggy. I had no idea where I was, or what had happened. I look around, seeing a vital machine and SAT monitor. I looked down at my arm, IV's inside me. I then turn my head to the right, seeing Derek sitting beside me.

"What happened?"

Doctor Chamberlain, meanwhile, was outside of my room at the hospital with Penelope, explaining my condition.

"I am afraid that she is not well. Ziva does not seem to be more than ninety pounds and given her past…" He says, rifling through the sheets of paper within my file. "We recommend that she be admitted for further treatment."

"Further treatment?"

Groaning sleepily, I rub my eyes a bit with my IV free hand.

"Derek? Where am I?"

Penelope's brows were furrowed. She was confused. She did not know what had happened to me, or what was happening to me.

"Well, I don't know about much of her past, however she did not tell me a whole lot."

Dr. Chamberlain frowned, knowing he could not tell Penelope due to doctor-patient confidentiality laws. Derek was speechless for a while, unsure of what to say to me.

"Well, sexy, you collapsed at the B.A.U. Baby girl and I drove you to the hospital. How's your head?" The jock-like Supervisory Special Agent asked before leaning in a bit closer to me.

Meanwhile, Penelope and the doctor parted ways and she had gone to the bathroom. Trying to calm herself down, she felt as though she was going to lose the only person she had in her life, the only thing that made sense in her life at the moment. She pulled out a broken pair of glasses from her purse. Sighing, she reluctantly broke them. With a shaky hand, she picked up one of the shattered pieces of lenses, and took it to her arm. She cleaned the wound after a while, making sure nothing could be seen through her sleeve. She quickly left the bathroom and returned to my bedside.

"Ziva, you're awake!" She said happily, leaning down and kissing my cheek softly. "You scared me!"

The feel of her lips on my cheek lingered on my flesh, and I savored every second I got to feel it. I watched her with wary eyes as she took a seat in the chair next to me.

"Derek, will you tell the doctor I would like to speak to him again? Please?"

With a nod, Derek stood, touching her shoulder before exiting. What Penelope said next broke my heart.

"Ziva, please do not leave me…" She said softly, a feeling of vulnerability and helplessness washing over her.

This was evident in her tone of voice and it hurt me, emotional pain so strong it felt physical. However, I was also tired, fatigued in fact.

"Mm, no… I have no intention to do such a thing." I murmured tiredly.

I groaned slightly as I turned onto my side. My eyes remained on Penelope and the two of us stayed silent for several moments, not sure of what to say or scared to say the wrong things… or perhaps both?

"Can you get the doctor to take these things out?" I asked, referring to the IV's. "They're so annoying."

I begin to pick at the tape holding down one of them, growling a bit in frustration. I ceased my actions when I felt her hand go over my own. She soothed it with her thumb before moving her hand away nostalgically. Just as this happened, Dr. Chamberlain walked back in.

"Ms. Garcia? You wanted to speak with me?"

Just as the doctor leaves with Penelope, Emily and Spencer walked in and I looked to them, feeling terrible that I had fainted in front of them. They had seen me so sickly and weak.

"Hello." I murmured in a tiny, seemingly insignificant voice.

The doctor looks to you with a questioning expression.

"So, what seems to be your concern?"

Penelope took a breath, calming herself and steadying her emotions. She was then able to speak her mind.

"I want to know if she's going to be okay. I am so worried doctor… I can't lose her. I just can't." She said, trying oh so hardly to hold herself together though she feels her façade cranking as she notices the doctor's solemn expression.

"Well, you gave us a little scare…" Emily said with a slight smile, trying to light the mood with her facial expression.

As this was going on, I began to pick at the tape aimlessly, hurriedly. Emily must have noticed my actions.

"So, you going to escape?" She asked, taking notice of me attempting to remove the IVs. "Here, let me help you."

She then stepped towards me, tucking some of her black hair behind her ear before squatting down to me. Looking at it critically, she gently removes the tape and expertly removes my IV's. She did this because she did not want for me to rip them out of myself due to frustration.

"There. All better." She chimed with a smile.

"Mm, thank you Emily." I say in a sort of groan as I sit up in the bed. "I just moved too fast and lost my footing. I really do not see the problem… or why I am still here. I am fine."

My insisting mustn't have convinced anyone because no one wanted to say anything. I did not notice the look on Spencer's face as he shook his head in disbelief. He looked at me and figured I was a good twenty to thirty pounds underweight and I looked as though a bus ran right over me. As I stand, Dr. Chamberlain walked in. He obviously disapproved of my actions.

"Ah, ah, ah, Ziva; you shall go nowhere." He said sternly.

"Why? You cannot hold me here. I am over eighteen and have every legal right to leave this hospital, and I can assure you I have every intent of invoking that right."

Dr. Chamberlain sighed. He knew he could not legally stop me but I was so sick and he knew what would become of me. He had experience with this before.

"Ziva, you are not well!"

I shrug on my jacket.

"Says who? I am doing alright. I should be allowed to go home."

I look to Penelope, telling her with my eyes that I was ready to go. Penelope did not say a word, grabbing her purse before taking my hand within her own.

"I'm not going to stop her from coming home." The blonde said to the doctor, tears stinging her eyes as she walked with me out to the hospital room. She then escorted me to the car, silently driving the thirty minute drive to her apartment. Parking the car, I watched worriedly as she got out and take my hands again, fearing that if she did not hold onto me that I may faint once again. She remained silent even once inside the apartment, scared to speak as she felt that if she did, her pain and sorrow would show through her voice, and honestly it probably would. I sat down on the couch, resting back on it as I look up at her. A tiny frown seemed to be permanently etched across my face.

"I am sorry." I murmur in a barely there voice.

When I heard her yell back at me that she did not want to hear it, I could not help but to cringe, inching back into the couch, hoping that somehow it would swallow me whole and never spit me out, so that I would vanish, disappear.

"Ziva, I didn't mean it like that… It's just, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm sorry. I think I am going to lie down." She said softly, lying through her teeth as she looked me in the eyes.

She then walked into her bedroom and closed the door, locking it quietly behind her. An hour later she lied back on her bed, having just finished with a long shower. The depressed woman's mind was a whir. She began to feel as if the room was spinning and she had no control. Her life no longer made any sense and the one thing that seemed to keep her from falling apart was crumbling before her very eyes. Without hesitation, she took out her kit and pull out the razorblade. This time she lined it up with the center of her left wrist before dragging it down vertically. She gasped as she watched the warm, red, liquid rush out of her artery and onto her flesh. Dripping down her arm and onto the bed beneath her, she then switched hands, proceeding to do the same to her other wrist. Dropping the blade to the floor before collapsing backwards onto her bed, Penelope felt as if everything was slipping away from her, that the whole would was beginning to engulf her in an everlasting darkness, a euphoric feeling coming over her as she began to feel for once in complete control over herself, free. This was her choice and she had chosen to give up, to quit battling with herself and the world. As Penelope began to drift in and out of consciousness, she started to feel incredibly dizzy. Seeing shapes move within the room as her eyes glance from left to right, for a moment before completely blacking out, she thought she saw me, though she was unsure and in no way able to tell if it was really me or just a side effect of what she had done.

She had in fact seen me. I had been sitting on the couch, my heart slowing down to a dangerous level. I had to do something. I had to get her, and I had to have her take me back to the hospital. I managed to get myself to her bedroom door and then when I opened it, I saw Penelope lying on her bed with her arms sliced open in a callous manner. Though I barely had the strength to, I found it within myself to rush over to the phone, dialing 9-1-1. As I did this, I rushed off to the bathroom, grabbing several towels and compressing her arms with them to stop the bleeding.

"Penelope, stay with me! Stay with me, love."

Emergency response answered within moments of me dialing.

"Yes, my name is Ziva David and my roommate… she just attempted suicide. Please, I need an ambulance and fast! Hurry!"

When the paramedics arrived a mere ten minutes later, they were rushing the nearly dead technical analyst into the ambulance and I was sitting in there with her. I looked between her and the medics with fear in my tear-shimmered orbs. One kept eyeing me, worrisomely.

"Is she going to be okay?" I ask the medic, my voice cracking. "Please… she has to be okay."

"So far we have stopped the bleeding, ma'am, we will do everything we can." The medic said in a soothing manner, though he was unsure as to what exactly condition Penelope was in.

This is what scared me most.


End file.
